The Next Jack Hanna

     I am not good with animals.  I can't hold baby chicks (remember this old post, Farmer Mommy, I am Not ?).  I don't like things that poop while they run (see here for that post).  Even certain fish are hard for me to look at without giving me full body chills.  I don't know when this all happened, but I am certain that anything to do with wildlife is definitely NOT my forte.  With that being said, I think God is determined to give me a run for my money.

     When we moved into our house a year ago, people would ask out of kindness how it was going.  I would say, "I feel like I am tent camping, but only I'm inside my house" or a I felt like I was a missionary in a strange remote village in Africa.  By that point in time, I had seen the stars from my hallway, had multiple brushes with birds in my living room & kitchen (have you ever tried to shoo a bird out of your house? It's not a very fluid experience...little wild & out of control, especially when you have 3 kids cheering you on), and I had also had the rat climb up my pregnant body in the middle of the night.  We had been awoken in the night to find a skunk eating on our kitchen table.  This summer we were in the process of saving an injured woodpecker from a kitten and then several days later found ourselves the proud new family to "Clover" the kitten who was trying to eat the woodpecker (we had been nursing to health in our garage).  Then there was the day our neighbors doberman pincher puppy got into our backyard and then came running through our house to play.  Next came the lizard cornered in the girls room (who we tried to get to conjole into an empty fruit snack box....yeah, that's right I think fast under pressure). Two months ago, I was coming home from coffee with a friend, and as I opened our front door, I noticed a frog was happily stuck to it, then a toad a day later came hopping up the front step.  But yesterday's brush with the mighty animal kingdom, just about pushed me over the edge.  I'll give my self props, I don't like most living animal/reptile things, but I put on a brave face and for the sake of my adoring kiddos, so that they will have wonderful nature experiences.  I'll go in the petting zoo give the sheep a friendly but distant pat or two and let the goat get close enough to eat my sweater (the nice goat owner let me know "goats eat just about anything?!"  My response, "That's great about goats, but can we get it to stop gnawing at my sweater?").  I will go to Amy's farms hold the baby chicks, feed the pigs, and milk the cows.  I give the stray kitten milk.  I will feed injured humming birds sugar water and protect woodpeckers from hungry kittens.  Wildlife with healthy boundaries, gets a thumbs up from me!

    It was 5:30 and the girls and I were playing pretend wedding (see Addie the bride above in one of her sister's bridal creations), the babies were sleeping, and Titus was making mud pies.  We had been going in and out of the house a lot.  Finally we were in for good, as I started to make dinner.  Addie said, "Hey mommy, I see a snake!"  Sadly, it didn't even dawn on me that it would be anywhere but inside our house." Eyes darting, I said, "Where?"  Addie replies, "Right there."  Pointing to the walkway between the island and the dishwasher was a big 'ole honka snake.  This is where I loose all composure.  I am that mom, who will be the one passing out when my kid gets hurt and jumping on counters when I see scary things crawling on my kitchen floor.  That's right, I'm proud to say, I pulled a leap so high and fast that would have made Jackie Joyner Kersey proud.  From that point, I went leaping from desk, to island, to the kitchen table, I tried out a few chairs in there and in nowhere near a calm and composed fashion.
Talking aloud nervously/half panicking, "Okay, what are we gonna do? How am I gonna get it out? Where did it come from? How long has it been here? Are snakes like dolphins...when you see one, does that mean there are 7 or more you can't see? Do snakes make nests inside houses like rats do? Addie, hand me a broom (that's right Addie could walk to the broom b/c she was still walking on the kitchen floor)!

"Okay, mom (in her brave action voice... the same one she used when I was trying to get the lizard back to it's outside home)."  I love it when Addie gets brave.  She's starts talking big game.  "Mommy, we can do this. I can help you. You take the broom and give it a swoosh!"  By this point, the snake had slithered across the kitchen under the kitchen table, and was hiding out under one of the legs of the table.  Addie said, "Mom, I am not even afraid.  Remember, I had a lizard crawl over my foot that one time. So, this snake isn't even making me scared."  Great Addie.  Wait, (internal dialogue here) When did the lizard crawl over your foot?  Was that inside or outside?  Where was I, b/c I think this is my first time on top of a desk?  I go back to talking through our next course of action.  I got the chairs pulled away from the table.  That way, when it came out we would have a clear path to the door.  The thought of swooshing it and it getting caught up the the legs of the chair was very unappealing.  Actually the thought of this snake exiting was becoming more and more unappealing.

     I used the snakes down time to think about the next few minutes of my life....The babies were asleep, I had Emma put on cartoons in the next room for her and Titus, I was positioned in front of the snake eyes glued b/c I couldn't loose track of it, and Addie was bravely becoming the next Jack Hanna right before my eyes.  What on earth?  God, are you there?  I can't even hold a baby chick well.  I texted Brian from the fireplace.  I knew he was in the middle of practice, but I felt the need to clue him into our latest situation.  Then it dawned on me I can't do this, even with mini Jack Hanna, this will not go well.  I may vomit mid snake removal attempt.  I could pass out.  My broom might not work as I envision it should.  With all those bad possibilities, I made the executive decision to send Addie next door to our neighbor's house.  Praise the Lord they were home.

My neighbor comes over with a pillow case, I greet him from the fireplace with my broom.  I feel a little wimpy (being the only one standing on furniture, but I get over that fast).  He grabs Addie's library book to force it out from under the table leg, it comes out fast and so did my neighbor.  Jumping back he yells out, "That's a big snake!"  I said yeah, I mean with my limited snake knowledge, I had thought so too.  Rethinking his pillowcase plan he grabbed my broom and began trying to sweep it out the door.  It did. not. like. that.  Don't snakes liked it outside?  Who ever heard of a snake wanting to be inside?!?  Anywho, it got stuck behind my buffet table and caught behind my houseplant, until finally he had it outside.  Where it hissed & tried to strike him.  He said, "This is a baby rattlesnake.  I should kill it, do you have a shovel?"  Oh dear.  "Yes, I can get one."  Uncomfortably, I have to flee my perch to go to the garage, which all the sudden seems like a great hiding place for snake friends.  The next few moments were yucky and louder than I would have liked.  Titus now knows shovels do more than dig and mommies are good for kisses, pretending to eat mud pies, and singing goodnight lullabies.  Our house is right against the foothills, so now my kids know when you see a snake to run away from it.  I think I am more of an ocean person than a mountain person.  Bring on the sand, shells, and salt water.  Sea crabs you can't scare me.