The Score

2020 marks the start of a New Year and a new decade.  The older I get the more the New Year seems to sneak up on me.  Resolutions, goals, one-word mantras, or one-year mission statements seem to be the very last things that cross my mind, as the clock strikes midnight.  I used to be so prepared and ready for the new year.  These days I can't seem to remember if I'm 42 or 43?!  My 40's seem to have me zoomed in on the day-to-day focus.  I take in each day, one day at a time, soaking it in for what it is, trying to conquer each child's struggles, championing the wins for the day, getting everyone to where they need to be, being in the moment when I "mom," and with a prayer focus for the immediate and close rather than the far off and distant.  The long term picture does come to mind and I do pray in that direction too, but I think our year of faith, when we moved back to California without a job or a place to live exactly, really changed me for this season in time.  For most of 2017 and 2018, we begged God by the minute, for the day-to-day and couldn't lift our eyes beyond basic needs and the here and now.  As the our calendars change to 2020, I spent some time and gave the past 20 years a good look-over.

Brian and I were married just before 2000. We were 24 and 22 years old, respectfully.
As I look back over the past decades, they are clear and well-defined.  The 10 years from 2000-2010, were marked by a home growing and an ongoing "adding to" theme.  We welcomed Emma in 2002, Addie in 2004, lost a baby in 2006, added Titus in 2008, lost a baby in 2009, and added the twins in 2010.  We went from the 2 of us to the 7 of us.  We adjusted to our growing household with lots of laughter and on-the-fly adjustments.  We got to know loss of sleep, excessive amounts of diapers, crying in different octaves, baby smells (the good and the bad) the glorious use of baby wipes, public humiliation from toddler meltdowns, strollers, a minivan, the potent and gagging smell of a bottle of milk lost in that same minivan, the introduction of lessons-lesson for swim, gymnastics, soccer, ballet, art.  We learned how to communicate and laugh through exhaustion, grow closer while getting less of each other, and all the while learning more about ourselves and what we felt insecure about as parents and what we felt we could bring to the table at the same time.

The 10 years from 2010-2020 were marked by sustaining.  We parented hard this decade.  For our kids and our family, we loved, shaped, drove, cooked for, set rules, trusted, and dug in deep to each other.  Where our last decade was marked by physical exhaustion, these years have been marked by emotional exhaustion.  This decade, we moved 5 times, living in 5 different houses in 4 different cities and 2 different states.  We were the "new" family a lot in this decade.  While that feeling brought it's very visceral challenges, as we step away from this decade, I can see how being new and unknown caused my kids to look and gravitate towards what they did know and what was unchanging in their lives, and that was Christ, His Word, and our family.  With each move, almost everything changed, but those 3 things.  This decade wasn't marked by friendships or personal wins and losses.  We clung tightly to Christ and to one another.  We became an ensemble this decade.  Loneliness marked these years, but where loneliness was present we faced it with loud worship music, dancing together in the kitchen, talked it out before bedtime, and prayed it out on drives, in showers, over phone calls and text messages.

And as I look towards the next decade, 2020-2030, I can see them as the "letting go" years.  Emma will be the first to fly the coup in 2020, and by 2030, Brian and I will be empty-nesters.  What a moment in time to ponder.  We will do 3 junior high graduations, 5 high school graduations, and at least 2 college graduations (hopefully 😀).  We will ready for 14 homecoming games and dances, a handful of proms, too many SAT tests, and AP classes.  Those numbers add up to be sure, but the number of tears, belly laughs, pranks, physical and emotional bumps, and bruises will surpass them all.

I think we will have to ready ourselves continually for the change that will come as each one of our children begins their first chapter outside of our home.  From their first breath, we knew each child of ours had a measure of time within our home.  As a family of seven, we have been quite an ensemble, writing a symphony over these past two decades.  Finding harmony together.  Each kid comes with their own cadence, and when they leave they will take the rise and fall of those beautiful notes with them.  Continually, we will adjust to new rhythms.  I think my heart will ache tremendously with the absence of each change of tune.  Time and careful attention to my own heart-beats will help me find a new song to dance to.  I will take great pride and joy in seeing where God takes each of them.  I pray they will remember the harmony; all the noise, the laughter, the love, the loud dinner table, and the deep commitment to family we have experienced and built together.  Ready my heart God for the change that looms, help it to bend, but not break.  Be at the core of each new melody, string together notes that carry weight and glory.  Let the music you write be a lullaby when my heart needs gentleness, a worship song when my heart needs to see outward, and a hymn when my heart needs solid ground.

The LORD is my strength and my shield; My heart trusts in Him, and I am helped; Therefore my heart exults, And with my song I shall thank Him. 

Psalm 28:7