Love Letters

(Written in April 2018)

Brian moved back to California 1 month ago.  Since he has been gone, his homesick heart has been so faithful to write the kids and I hand-written letters.  We love going to the mailbox these days.  Before he moved, he had purchased his ticket for his visit this past weekend, not knowing all of the heart-swelling milestones that would happen while we was back in town with us.  Prom, driver's licenses, and 1st-time soccer goals.

Last night, we were in the basement together, getting ready for our 6th move together.  We were going through boxes, some full of books, some filled with UCLA swim or football gear, wedding day odds and ends, and we even came across the old VHS tape with the Baywatch episode I made my acting debut in as plane crash survivor (a story for another day)!  Then, I came across several shoeboxes filled with all of our love letters, even post-it notes we used to leave on each other's cars during college.  The first card I found, was the first card Brian ever wrote to me.  I was turning 19 and he was 20.  Reading it together, we laughed at our former selves.  We would have never guessed the day he wrote it and I received it, that one day, 21 years later, we would be reading it out loud, in our Kansas basement, with 5 children (one who can drive), a dog, and an entirely new life course.   

We have packed a lot of memories in, since that first handwritten letter.  It was 1995, the internet was brand new, we didn't have cell phones, I loved country music, and he was an AC|DC fan.  I drove a powder blue scooter, and he wore Tevas with socks, which, much to my dismay, are making a comeback (but NOT in our house).  We each had backpacks, roommates, apartments in West Los Angeles, and used paper to write to each other instead of text messages.  Since then, we have exchanged those backpacks for diaper bags, baseball bags, swim bags, soccer bags, and trumpet cases.  Landlines have been replaced with cell phones and now we have hilarious conversations using our own Bitmoji's.  We have experienced failed job interviews, failed pregnancies, failed friendships, and failed decisions.  We have experienced births, home purchases, graduations, football victories and losses, speaking engagements, home additions/renovations (more than I'd like!), laughter upon laughter, and 1,000’s of miles of walking together.  We've cooked at least 1,000 pounds of food together for football players, swimmers, cross country athletes, and high school students.  Together we have braved Mission trips and California Mission projects with our elementary school kids.  Some dreams have been burned and new dreams have risen from those ashes.  We have done life, full-go together, risk, faith, hope and love for the Lord, as our anchor.

From the young love in pre-marriage counseling sessions together to the weathered worn-in love we share today, we count them both and all the ways love has looked in between, as blessing.  We have sat across from young couple after young couple, as we lead pre-marriage counseling sessions, who can't imagine love any other way than how it feels and looks to them at the present.  That's how pre-wedded bliss should look.  It has its own beauty.  We explain through our wrinkles and love worn-in hearts, love will look different than it does right now-it will look stronger and deeper- if you let it.  Love fastened, weathered through storms, buffed by life experiences together until it shines- if you let it.  The heat will rise in life and in your marriage, the impurities will rise to the top, they will be ugly, and God will be faithful to scrape them away- if you let Him.  Refiner's Fire.  The rose-colored glasses came off quickly.  Together we have been stubborn for our marriage, determined to know it differently, with each passing season, and better as life leaves its various marks on us.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

(written  January 2019)

It has been almost 8 months since I wrote most of these words.  Since then, we have weathered new storms together, some of our most blistery.  Miracle pleading moments have swept through our family.  But one thing remained true, our stubborn hold onto one another and God's stubborn hold onto us.  Even when we grow weak, His grip on us remains strong.  

We are truly thankful to know His agape love.  

~ ~ ~

We are awesome. I love saying that, because I completely mean it and saying it makes my smile a deep, happy heart smile.  We have been together long enough, to see Tevas with socks comeback.  I am so thankful Brian's handwritten lettter's never went out of season.  

Today is 20 years for us!  

Happy Anniversary, Brian!!